Well, since I don’t have anything better to do and I’m too lazy to write a new post, I’ll just paste here a couple of „rejection” letters I’ve cooked up from the top of my brain for fun. For all who know not, the usual, average rejection letter is filled with „despite you’re a fantastic cadidate” buttkiss, so that US universities may avoid being sued. This is just what they actually mean…
By the way, you might just thank me for pasting this and not choosing the other option, I was thinking of foraging inside my nose for alien life forms and putting up a picture of whatever came out. However, browsing through my junk, I found these letters again, so I decided to recycle them for the blog. After all, it’s not like I’m ever posting anything interesting here.
As the 2009 admissions cycle neared completion, I must admit it was to my total shock and bemusement to walk into the Admissions Office one morning and notice half of the Admissions Committee lied either dead or unconscious on the office’s floor. Subsequent to calling the emergency services, I proceeded to investigating the causes of such a vast number of losses, and came to discover that the sole factor producing them had been your astonishing application.
Indeed, after reading it myself, I came to understand the shockwave that went through my colleagues and was near to suffering a stroke. I had never imagined someone could ever be so stupid and inept as you, and the sole fact that you sent us an application in hope for admission represents an immense insult brought to our esteemed institution.
How could you ever think Yale would even admit you? Your total lack of talent in any field, your complete incapacity of analysis, your virtually inexistent leadership abilities – all these factors make you an ideal coral support to be used in the Earth’s oceans or a Harvard Economy major, but never in the least would they even REMOTELY suggest you were even astronomically close to what a Yale student looks like! In fact, a piece of stone would have had more chances of being accepted than you! WHERE WAS YOUR MIND when you applied? Actually, this is merely a rhetorical question, as all your references clearly point to a total lack of a brain and nervous system in your body, which suggests you are less qualified than a dead jellyfish.
I know this may come as a disappointment to you – but nevertheless, so do you come as one to the human race – but your application was a complete disaster and represents the living proof that Einstein words – „There are two infinite things: the Univers and human stupidity. But I’m not sure about the first.” – are completely true and accurate. You are not even good for being a politician in the US government! Your talents only point out your total incapacity of living and even breathing by yourself, and it did not come as a surprise for researchers in the Biology department to conclude that you were even less developed than a calcium-eating bacteria. It is beyond my imagination how someone like you has managed to reach
this age and, even more, how your parents didn’t throw you in a river by this time.
Actually, after looking through all the applications in our history, we concluded that none was of such a low quality as yours, and the only thing preventing us from completely destroying it and eliminating it from the memories of our history was a request from the British Museum to hand it over to them in order to be displayed as „THE most useless waste of paper in our planet’s history”. We couldn’t even understand how the teachers recommending you even bothered to write „DO NOT ADMIT THIS GUY! EVER!!!” on their letters (actually, these were the only words they wrote, and they did it anonymously). I don’t wish you anything in whatever your future plans are, as it seems quite clear that you do not have a future to begin with, and I honestly hope that Earth will soon get rid of such a mockery of life and common sense.
Dean of Undergraduate Admissions”
„March 31, 2009
Stanford ID: 31415926
It is with no regret whatsoever that I write to you in order to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to the freshman class at Stanford University. In fact, my sole regret is that we didn’t have more applicants of the likes of you, so as myself and the rest of the Admissions Committee would have had the chance of laughing their a**es off more looking and what kind of hopeless idiots could have even dreamt of ever applying to our fine institution. Your application actually managed to rank lower that what the WORST community colleges from Romania, Burkina Faso and Ethiopia have ever received, and it was a real horror for myself and my colleagues to see that such a moron was even able to write our mailing address correctly, leave less complete a full application.
Please know that our decision completely reflects your total lack of ability in ANY field except nose picking and underwater basket weaving, as well as the hoard of deficiencies and weaknesses of your application. We have all been left in awe by your absolute ineptitude and incapacity to do anything right, and one of our veteran members even suffered a heart attack when looking at your grades. We didn’t think it was possible for students to score below 0 on their GPA until now.
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING??? Your application was singled out as the weakest and most absurd not only of this admissions cycle, but ever since this fine university was founded! Never in our history has such an insult been brought to our institution as the one you solely managed to bring by associating your name with our university and by writing them on the same sheet of paper. The fact was so appalling, that we had to completely burn your application file as soon as it arrived, as to not contaminate those of the other applicants with its sheer stupidity. In fact, after only skimming through your short answers (the ones you just had to CHECK on your application), we even thought about admitting EVERYONE else, as we figured everyone was infinitely qualified in comparison to you.
I know this might be disappointing news to YOU, but please note that you are yourself an insult to humankind and not only intelligence, but common sense in general. The Dean of our fine institution is still wondering how the heck nature ever managed to spit out such an ill-formed creature. Our entire Science department has started doing research on the way evolution ever managed to screw up this badly, as what you represent is a complete contradiction of Darwin’s theory and the modern notion of Evolutionism, as everyone knows it.
Tralala, you are a monument of stupidity that will never be able to get an own life, I cannot even believe that you managed to reach this age, as your brain seems to lack even the basic ability of coordinating breathing and sight. We here, at Stanford University, are still wondering how you manage to walk and burn energy at the same time, even though the two processes would normally be naturally linked with each other. We are horrified at the thought of people such as you even dreaming of applying here in the future.
With best wishes for an outstanding life feeding on stones and with deep sorrow for the new low humankind has achieved through you,
Richard H. Shaw
Dean of Admission and Financial Aid
P.S.: I truly and sincerely believe people of the likes of you should only apply to Harvard.”
So, there you have it. I already have another couple of posts in my mind, but I’m too lazy to write them for now. However, finding such junk is just ideal for the blog, since it allows me to improve my grade with no work at all and even pass the subject I have created this in the first place for.
By the way, before I end, a special announcement. To all people in the US, Russia and the European Union, and especially to Austria: I hope all of you bastardly, dogly cowards drop dead and rot in the deepest, darkest, most terrifying circles of Hell for leaving Moldavia alone and for separating us from our brethren (may you forever be cursed solely for THIS, dirty Austria!) and turning your eyes away completely from the spilling of young blood being done there for freedom. I believe people dying for their liberty deserve just a little respect, not a front-page headline, but at least a mention in the News. Congratulations on masking the cry for life of 20,000 young people. Long live the Communist Republic of Europe and the Soviet States of America.
Dogs do not deserve to have their reputation dragged through the mud by being compared to you.